her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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