M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
