Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
