last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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