my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
