I puked a lego.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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