I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
