Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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