Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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