I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
