Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
