Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
