I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
