FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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