i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
