dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
