just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
