Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
