just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
