But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
