coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
