I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize