I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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