I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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