im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
