oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
