I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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