so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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