if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
