I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
this hospital has no fireball
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
