You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
