I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I could fuck to npr.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
