he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
