hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
