4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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