My liver just broke up with me...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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