I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize