theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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