you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
