Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
God, I missed his penis.
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