I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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