John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
