I wanna bring you to show and tell
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
