How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
