I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
