I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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