I can text with my tongue
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
