Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize