Kiss
Puke
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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