Soap is not a condiment
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
