He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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