hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
