Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Still dying that you shit outside
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
