im having a threesome with these popsicles
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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