I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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