so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
